Hastings Open Bowls Tournament

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The Lighter Side of Bowling

Bowling gags.. bowling funnies.. bowling jokes:

The 4 Ups in Bowls
Courtesy of Dingwall BC, Ross-shire, Scotland

GONE HUNTING...
Two bowling friends decide to go hunting for the weekend. Whilst out in the woods one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

LOVE IS BLIND!!...
Two bowlers were enjoying their after game drink in the pavilion and just chewing the cud when one asks "What's your favourite joke, George?"

George replies " It has to be the one about the blind skunk"
"The blind skunk? Go on then tell me". His friend says
George says " ... Fell in love with a fart."

TILTING...
A family took their frail, elderly father who just loved a game of bowls to a nursing home and left him, hoping he would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a tasty breakfast, and sat him in a chair at a window overlooking the lovely flower garden. He seemed okay, but after a while he slowly started to tilt sideways in his chair.
Two nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straighten him up. Again he seemed okay, but after a while he slowly started to tilt over to his other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more placed him back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old man was adjusting to his new home. "So Dad, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's really nice," he replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

NOT QUITE WHAT EXPECTED...
A young bowler was drinking in the local bar the other night and met a lady who was about 55 years old. They sat and drank and talked for while, and she eventually asked him if he'd ever had a 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome.
The young bowler replied No! to which the lady said: 'Well, tonight is your lucky night'.
The young bowler just couldn't believe his luck.
She took him back to her place, as they entered the house, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, are you still awake?'.

DO WHATEVER...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up', she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went and had a game of bowls.

SHOWS YOUR AGE
Two old bowlers having a drink and a chat at the bar after their bowling game.
"You certainly played well today. How does it really feel to be 84 years old?"

"Just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth and I've just wet myself".

KITTY AND JACK
My husband took up bowling
and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty
whom he couldn't leave alone

He played with Kitty
he stayed with Kitty
he picked her up without a hitch
He missed Kitty
he kissed Kitty
he even laid beside her in the ditch

So I took up bowling
to win my hubby back
and found that what he could do with Kitty,
I could do with Jack

with thanks to Lynn Delabertouche

TOM
Tom moves to a small village and soon join's the local bowls club.
All goes well and Tom soon makes many friends apart from Glenda, the village gossip.
Soon there is a rumour being spread by Glenda that Tom is an alcoholic and that she has seen his car parked outside the village pub on several occasions, and this shows he must be inside, boozing and up to no good.
Tom soon get's to hear the rumour but to everyone's surprise he does not confront Glenda.
A few nights later Tom parks his car outside Glenda's house, locks it and leaves it there all night.

BRUVVERS
This is a story about two bowling brothers Tom and Bill Pillard.
One day, Tom Pillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital.
As the doctors were preparing his wife, Tom's idiot brother Bill arrived as well.
Tom entered the delivery room and during the proceedings he fainted.
When Tom woke up he was in a bed with a doctor standing above him.
"Mr Pillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious, your wife requested that Bill name the children"
"What! My brother to name the children. Tell me Doc what names did he choose"
"He named your daughter Denise"
Hmmm! That's not too bad thought Tom. "What did he name my son?"
"He named your son Denephew."

A NOTICE OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP

We buy sell and exchange all bowling equipment and accessories.....
Why not bring along your wife or husband and get a wonderful bargain!

ADVICE
" If your Skip wants an opinion, he'll give it to you ".

TRYING
If at first you don't succeed, Try one of the following:-.
(1) Blame your Bowls
(2) Blame someone else
(3) Seek coaching.

SWOPS
I got a new set of bowls for the wife last week!
Best deal I've made in years.

TO WIN
"It matters not whether you Win or Lose........
what matters is whether I Win or Lose"

FRIENDSHIP
Old Bob was missing Joe, his bowling buddy of over 50 years. He had passed to greens anew just last year, and Bob couldn't help but wonder how he was getting along.
So later that day whilst talking with a friend it was suggested that he seek the help of a medium, who agreed to try and make contact with Joe. So the next evening, after the usual formalities contact was made, and this is how it went.
"Hi Bob", said Joe.
"What's it like up there?", asked Bob
"Great food, Nice people, Lovely weather, and we get to bowl as much as we like", replied Joe.
"That's good news!", said Bob
"No!" said Joe," The good news is your skipping FRIDAY'S TRIPLES !!!!!"

DEFINITION OF A NOVICE:
A new convert to bowls who confesses he knows nothing about the game and then becomes angry when you agree with him.

QUESTION:What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set the mat, can't keep score and won't listen?
ANSWER: Make them skip.

QUESTION:How do you spell skip?
ANSWER:.....G....O....D

LEAD: "How short is my bowl?"
SKIP: "You ought to know, your closer to it !!!"

If you have a referee in football, an umpire in cricket. What do you have in Bowls?............ GOLDFISH!!!

SKIP TO LEAD: " Good bowl,... you just need a bit more grass and a bit more weight."

SKIP TO THIRD: "You need to change your hand, and put on a foot!"

THIRD TO SKIP: "Which is the danger bowl?"
SKIP: "The one your holding"

I rang up my local bowling club, and I asked.."Is that the local bowling club?"
and the reply came.. "It depends where you're calling from."

The Hastings police arrested two old bowlers leaving their club yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
.......So they charged one and let the other one off.

GYMNASTICS

NOTICE TO ALL MEMBERS.
If you make tea in the club house,
Please empty the tea pot, then
stand upside down on the draining board!

DON'T LET THE TEAM DOWN.
The lads had arranged to have a practice game before the big match,
Sunday morning was chosen, and they all arrived on time except Gordon.
When he finally arrived, the others all asked;"What kept you?"
"It was a toss-up as to whether I went to church or joined you blokes bowling", Gordon replied.
"That shouldn't have taken long", said the skip.
"Well it did, I had to toss 13 times".

CLOTHES DO NOT MAKETH THE MAN
Two old bowlers were talking over their pints of beer in the clubhouse.
"You know Jack, yesterday I was reading in the paper that the world has too many people. We're running out of space."
"So?"
"Well its true. When I went home last night, I found a man in our wardrobe."

MARTHA
Tom had always played bowls every Sunday after going to Church with Martha for the last 20 years. However one Sunday the Vicar notices Tom missing from the congregation and Martha looking quite distressed.
The Vicar approaches Martha and asks what is troubling her.
"It's Tom" she replied sobbing "he's dead"
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that" exclaimed the vicar." Did he say anything before he died? What were his last words?"
"Put that gun down" she replied.

BIRTHDAY
Thank you for returning your membership application. Just one question said the Secretary.
What is your date of birth?
July 22nd
What year?
Every year!

Whatever turns you on
The two ladies were chatting after their bowling match and one said "you really are looking down in the dumps.  After all you beat me on the last end"  "Oh it's not that", she replied.  "I was thinking about his morning when I got out of bed naked and asked my husband if it was my face or my body that turned him on.  He said it was my sense of humour!"

Beaten
" We deserved to get beaten today" she said to one of her mixed pairs bowling opponents.  "I made too many mistakes". I made a big one today too before I came to the greens" he replied. "I got this email from Reg my neighbour telling me he was riddled with guilt and just had to confess he had been using my wife night and day when I wasn't around.  He said he was probably getting it more than I was and that he didn't get it at home. He hoped I would accept his apology and promised not to do it again. Gave my wife a right thrashing, I can tell you.  Got back to my computer and got another message from Reg to say "Sorry, Tom, Spell Check on the blink - message should have read "using your wifi"

Bossy
The boss felt he was not getting the respect he deserved from his staff so he brought in a sign which said - WARNING - I AM THE BOSS. DON'T YOU FORGET IT. He taped it to his door before he went to lunch and when he returned, there was a note underneath his sign saying PLEASE PHONE YOUR WIFE, SHE WANTS HER SIGN BACK.

Marital Misunderstanding
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and his wife is lying in bed reading.
He says "This is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."
Wife replies -  "I think you will find that is a sheep"
Man replies - "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Human Biology
Two elderly bowlers were at the bar talking about families and things.  Bill said -  "It's amazing what goes through the minds of these youngsters. My fifteen year old said his last biology exam question was - Name seven advantages of mother's milk. He wrote six reasons - nourishing, cheap, prevents infections, right temperature, always available and good for mother and child. He couldn't think of a seventh so he took the chance and wrote "It comes in two attractive containers and is high enough off the ground so that the cat can't get it" He got an A*

Heaven's Above  
After the game of bowls, Bill and Bob were talking about their grandchildren and the things they say.  My three year old, said Bob, told me that It's not easy to become and angel because first, you have to die and then you have to go to heaven and that's after all that flight training you've got to do. And angels don't eat, they just drink milk from holy cows. Then you have to agree to wear all those angel clothes and stuff.  That's a coincidence, said Bill.  My youngest was also talking about angel things and she said that she was told that angels don't wear halos any more but she couldn't remember why. She thought that scientists were working on the problem.  "Yep!" said Bob, "You never know what's going through these youngster's minds."

God:
My seven year old was in art class the other day, drawing like mad, when the teacher asked her what she was doing.  She said she was drawing God.  Her teacher said that nobody knows what God looks like and she said “ they’ll know in a minute!

Worth Remembering When Voting
The election soon, said Frank over a pint at the bowling club bar.  "Yep" said Adam. "Close call - reminds me of an article I read recently on the web which went something like :-
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest the country become bankrupt.  People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance".   Cicero 55 BC
 "Seems we've learnt bugger all over the last 2,000 or so years!"

A Slight Misunderstanding 
My wife and I hosted a dinner party for some of our friends, a few of whom we hadn't seen for a while, and encouraged them to bring their children as well.
All during dinner, my wife's best friend's four year-old sitting opposite me, stared at me constantly.  The girl could hardly take her eyes off me to eat her food and just kept staring at me.
I checked my shirt for stains, felt my face for food, patted my hair but nothing stopped her staring.  I tried my best to ignore her but finally it was too much so I asked her "Why are you staring at me?".  Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and all went quiet waiting for her response.
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish!"

Grandparents
What are grandparents?  Some youngsters between the ages of five and eight seem to have their own ideas.  Here are some of their answers.
"Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own and that is why they like other peoples' ".
"Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.  They shouldn't play hard or run and it is good when they drive us to the shops and give us money".
"They are people who don't say Hurry Up"
"Grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoe laces".
"Grandparents can take their teeth and gums out".
"Everybody should try to have grandparents, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us".
Grandparents live at the airport so we just go and get them there.  When they are finished visiting, we take them back to the airport".
Grandparents are funny because when they bend over you can hear gas leaks and they blame the dog.

Take it from the Top if you can
"Don't know how the government is going to get these laws passed!" said Peter to his bowls mate at the bar.  "It's the poor blokes down the line who have to implement them that I feel sorry for" said Arthur.  Talking about these guys up in their ivory towers, he continued, thinking up impossible schemes reminds me of the  "once upon a time a long time ago" story about the king who wanted to go fishing.  He called his royal weather forecaster and enquired what the weather forecast was for the next few hours.  The weatherman assured him there was no chance of rain in the next few days.  So the king went fishing with his wife the queen.  On the way, they met a farmer on his donkey and when the farmer saw the king he said "Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."  The king replied that he had already spoken to the palace meteorologist, a person whom he held in the highest regard, who was highly educated, a very experienced professional and exceedingly well paid and who had assured him that there was no heavy rain imminent at least for the next couple of days.  The king thanked the farmer for his concern but said he would continue on has way as he had faith in the expert advice he had already received.   However, a short time later, the heavens opened and the rain came down in torrents.  The king and queen were totally soaked through.  Furious, the king returned to the palace and immediately dismissed the royal weatherman.  He then summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and highly paid job of royal forecaster. The farmer said "your majesty, I do not know anything about weather forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping it means, with certainty, that there will be rain."  So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest paid and most influential positions.